Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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