I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I'm bleeding and have questions
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
