You're earring is so big in my mouth
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
