You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
do nipples grow back?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
