Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
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