absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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