from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
