i don't like sucking hair
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
