dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
