my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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