I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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