We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
