bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
