sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
