She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
