I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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