Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
