he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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