textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Randomize