I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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