Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
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