I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Randomize
