guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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