I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
