my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
