were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
