If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
