dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
