my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
