six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
