Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize