And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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