fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
What drink are we having for lunch?
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
