just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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