You smell like a Billy Joel song
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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