I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
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