and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
We have so much sex to catch up on
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
