Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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