her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I queefed so loud it echoed.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
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