I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
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