I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
