I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
