she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
