The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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