i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
