ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
