Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
