My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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