So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
