I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
