Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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