Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
