you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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